If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I love art.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse