“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
motivation
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps