Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”