“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.