{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
This fish is cracking me up
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
The fall of Netflix
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?