Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Meow