Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
What kind of a cult is this?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Morning.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.