scares
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Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.