me as a parent
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Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes