“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
girls literally only want one thing..
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
For anyone who needs this today
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭