What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.