Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]