My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I’m giving up for Lent.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Jesus Christ lmao
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
it must be school picture day
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.