You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Day 2 of my diet
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on