I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Thursday Thought.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler