A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
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Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The struggle is real.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.