My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what