Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
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Dead sexy!!
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Something Saturday.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.