Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The pasta is now
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
this chia pet tastes awful
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.