I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
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My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Mornin. * use accordingly
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie