How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
real
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.