[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*