[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
You Might Also Like
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Oh. My. God.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.