Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Stop sending me this shit.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.