When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Wake me when AI does housework
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.