Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
True freaking story!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!