[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”