BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
You Might Also Like
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Pickled cat.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh