Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I finally found a reason to live again.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.