Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing