Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day