When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
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I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.