Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
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I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
North and South
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.