A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
smh
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?