Fluff me with a fork baby
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Sex so good you see dead people.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.