most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.