[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
just make the entire table out of coaster
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.