I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Smile they said.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
nobody’s gonna understand
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”