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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
handsome & gretel
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.