Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.