This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
My boss called in sick of me
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff