Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why