WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Breaking news:
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.