I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops