I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
can I use a minion as a tampon
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
greetings!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it