Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom