Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
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comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies