I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
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my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.