Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.