I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.